Before You Think About Getting Engaged, Here Are 10 Things You Need to Ditch Immediately
There is no one who does not have a set of habits that he repeats automatically, often without trying to change them. But when it comes to finding a partner who shares life with us, it may become necessary for us to stop clinging to some of our personal habits and reconsider some of them, in order to make some adjustments that help to succeed.
Certified Professional Counselor Trisha Wolf tells Bustle, “We often repeat the familiar, not realizing that changing things up – even a little – can lead to great benefits and a healthier relationship,” which brings us to the most important habits you need to stop as soon as possible, according to experts.
1- Set high standards
Wolfe advises stopping waiting for everything to be fine (like getting the house ready or running errands and trips), for example. You don’t need to prove you’re completely self-sufficient, and “setting high standards for yourself might miss out on great people”; Which makes it better to start experimenting.
2- Focus on images and points of interest
Public relations expert Erica Kaplan recommends, via Bustle, to stop making hasty impressions based on the other party’s photos, hobbies and interests. Instead, focus on their values and ideas.
Kaplan says, “Slowing down, looking closer, and asking questions can yield more knowledge; at a time when haste will provide little background information to ensure accuracy of choice.”
For her part, psychotherapist Kelly Newbert explains: “There is a difference between interests and values. You can be happy with someone who shares the same values as you, even if you are not interested in the same hobbies. “
3- Involve others at every step
While it’s “helpful to get a second opinion, to hear from people who are interested in your love life,” Stephanie Safran told Insider. But at the same time, you have to “follow your intuition, and what you want first”; As Kaplan says, after all, you are the ones who are going to spend the most time with each other: “If you are happy, everyone will be happy.
4- Do not accept the unknown
UK relationship expert Jessica Alderson says, “Trying to find someone who’s your type, or similar to you, is one of the reasons relationships don’t work,” and the best thing is to allow yourself to open yourself up to new people and new experiences. , to increase your chances of winning the one that suits you best.
And because “human nature tends to be drawn to the familiar, even if it’s not the best,” Kaplan encourages “making some adjustments to the familiar.” But if you have a certain pattern that you adhere to in your search for a life partner; Make sure it’s realistic, “so you don’t go back to square one every time”.
5- Expect instant attraction
And because we also love “instant gratification so much,” Kaplan says, “people jump ship too soon, because they haven’t felt the instant attraction.”
It’s common to believe that our choices won’t work if we don’t find an immediate attraction on the other side; Despite the exhaustion and tension that characterize the first stages, which require giving each other the opportunity to get to know each other and build intimacy, “the spark of attraction often forms over time”.
6- Influenced by previous experiences
If you’ve come out of a past experience, Kelly Newbert reminds you, “Everyone has different experiences and habits, so don’t kick someone out of your accounts just because you’re afraid of repeating past experiences, for reasons that may not be true.” This does not mean that the former partner was emotionally immature, or unable to negotiate; Everyone else will have the same problems.
While that doesn’t stop you from being upfront with yourself, about behaviors that have negatively affected you in the past, and “and setting boundaries to define the other party, what’s good and what’s not. is not acceptable”. Every relationship must draw certain boundaries that the other party does not cross.
7- Exaggerated concern for the other party
If you’re looking for someone to share your life with, “resist the urge to put your eggs in one basket right now,” says Certified Relationship Counselor Jerrilyn Adams. But the gradual giving of attention “takes the pressure off and gives the confidence to let go of the wrong person.”
8- Ignore the red lights
“When you love someone, it’s easy to ignore the red flags, even if there’s an unavoidable feeling that something is wrong.” Here advises Megan Stubbs, saying, “No matter how attractive the budding relationship is, pay attention to your intuition and trust her when she tells you something is wrong.”
Jerrilyn Adams also shares, “If you ignore the warning signs, remember that continuing with the wrong person will not lead to a successful relationship.”
9- Continue despite the lack of progress
It helps to give people a chance to see how compatible or not they are; If, after several attempts, there is no agreement, “do not hesitate to discard the experience, and try to find new horizons”; Take advice from Beth Rebarsky, professor of interpersonal communication at the University of Illinois.
“The more time you spend with someone you didn’t get along with initially, the harder it is to complete the experiment, so 3 meetings is enough to see if it’s worth pursuing further,” says Rebarsky.
10- Do not breathe
This does not mean that you have made the decision to commit yourself, that you are in a hurry to establish a compressive program that does not allow you to breathe; It’s like, “If it doesn’t happen now, it never will,” says certified psychologist Jodi Eckleberry.
And it’s good to slow down and enjoy periods of calm; “While the pressure of the circadian clock may be real for those who want to have children, love doesn’t happen on a set schedule.”